The other day, I made the mistake of paying attention while a friend of mine was talking. It’s an error that I commonly make with her. Now, she isn’t boring or wanting of intellect. And she’s not annoying either, for the sake of this conversation. The trouble is that she is quite the opposite. She can be pretty hilarious while recounting various tales. However, these yarns will inevitably involve any number of themes from beheadings to hospital mix-ups. At their cheeriest, you’re going to hear about a man with big-toes for thumbs.
Anyway, she calls me and begins to tell the story of a poor woman whose deadbeat husband decided to smoke, inhale, ingest, and inject their savings in a manner resembling Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Leaving Las Vegas, and any number of other movies filmed in Las Vegas. Considering the amount of narcotics involved and the fact that he wasn’t a blue whale, it shouldn’t surprise you that the husband died. At first, I reacted to the woman’s plight but became uneasy when I took into account the messenger. This was too pedestrian a tale of woe to be worthy of the horror stories of ironic misfortune and just plain weirdness I’ve grown accustomed to. And that’s when she dropped the bomb. “So, apparently, in his will… His last wishes were to be cremated and made into diamonds for his relatives.”
Pardon me?
Yes, you read that right. Apparently, there is a service that will take your remains, purge the carbon, and make “tasteful” diamond jewelry out of you… After all, nothing says “Final Resting Place” like a tennis bracelet or a tasteful anklet. The thought of this was so foreign to me that I did a little research on the subject and the company LifeGem. According to their website, they need a good 8 ounces of hair or ash to get the ball rolling. After they have the needed hairball or ashtray full of the dearly departed, they can capture the carbon from the remains with technology “pioneered by GE in the 1950’s.” I assume they made these breakthroughs during the heated, but lesser publicized, “Turning-Your-Aunt-Into-Cufflinks-Race with the Soviets.
After they have the carbon, they must “purify it.” I dropped out of Chem II in high school so I can only speculate this is to get out “the cat smell.” Once that’s done, it’s off to high heat and enough pressure to crack even the most stubborn of Brazil nuts. Then, just sit back and take in the compliments. One person wrote, “I had earrings made of my husband’s 2 Princess cut diamonds and have been offered money for them!” Now, the woman went on to write that they are not for sale, which is big of her, but you made your husband into Princess cuts? I like how that’s the part that jumped out at me. Linda in western Australia was given the continent’s first LifeGem on TV and became a “town celeb.” I’m sure her late husband would wish her to capitalize on this fame before Kangaroo-Boxing season begins.
As I went through the countless testimonials, I really found myself getting used to the idea of doing this. I began to wonder how much it would cost to have someone close to me, who was obviously more loved than alert at busy intersections, made into one of these keepsakes. You can get any size between .1 and 1.5 Carats. However, this could range anywhere from $2,500 to $20,000! Of course, I am the youngest of a very large family. If money were no object, I could fashion one giant ring and take them with me wherever I go. Sure, onlookers would often mistake my great love for something gaudy or perhaps that I defeated the Buffalo Bills in a Super Bowl, but I would have my family with me.
The company says that “LifeGem diamonds are molecularly identical to natural diamonds found in any high-end jewler…” I thought, “Except that they’re made from your slightly racist Uncle Lou who smelled of pastrami and cigars and didn’t buckle up.” You can also get your pet made into one too, you know. Just think, your dead pet ferret “Ferrets Bueller” would be molecularly identical to diamonds in any high-end store that wouldn’t be caught dead letting you in, much less your stinky ferret. I found it ironic.
Apparently, there is a bigger market for this sort of thing than I thought. More research discovered a company in Alabama that promised to let you “Continue to protect your home and family even after you’re gone…” This is done by turning your ashes into fully-functioning bullets. This is not a joke. The company is called Holy Smoke… I’m going to pause here, while you climb back into your chair and wipe your beverage off the computer screen… Yes. Holy Smoke puts your loved one’s ashes into ammunition so you can blast would-be intruders with Grampa. Although, I’m not sure how you would react after you’ve defended yourself. Would it be in poor taste to ask for the bullets back from the hospital? What if your dead relative has just become evidence in a home invasion? I don’t know. I’m just happy that a region, often chided for its homophobia, has no problems with pumping a few rounds of Uncle Bill into another man.
Well, I’m not big into guns. So, I guess I’d stick with the diamonds. Although, I’d never really want to own something that precious. While my relatives’ graves are not always near me physically, who they are is always with me… Plus, there is little chance of accidentally dropping one of their coffins down a strip club sink. But if I sound jaded, I apologize. I do have to admit that there were a lot of heartfelt and touching messages on that website. Truly. The more I read, the more I could begin to see where having a nice pair of Auntrings may help you through the grieving process. Having lost a parent years ago, I really don’t want to judge how anyone copes with their grief… For instance, for me, it’s thinking about people turning their relatives into jewelry. But seriously, I never knew how chemically accurate the old country song was. As it turns out, I AM an old chunk of coal! And, depending on the actions of my beneficiaries, I may just be a diamond someday…
