Dutch Prostitutes Finish First At Olympics

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published because of content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...

SOCHI, Russia— Dutch Prostitutes are demanding the same retirement benefits afforded professional footballers in the Netherlands and used the recent Olympic games to prove they are every bit the athletes. It was revealed this week that the Dutch juggernaut that dominated Olympic speedskating was comprised solely of these prostitutes.

The Netherlands won 23 of 36 medals in the speedskating events in Sochi. Andre Bolhuis is the President of the Dutch Olympic Committee. He confirmed Monday in a conference call that this was accomplished by exclusively using prostitutes and supported their cause.

“Holland hookers proved they are world class athletes and deserve the same retirement considerations our footballers get,” said Bolhuis. “At first, we thought we couldn’t afford to bring them to Sochi, but their patriotism allowed for some discounted overnight rates.”

Wil Post is an attorney and advocate for the retirement reforms. He added, “Footballers and prostitutes both do a difficult physical job that they cannot do their whole life. Therefore, they would like to be able to save as much as they can.”

ESPN got to the bottom of why these racy racers make such excellent speedskaters. Their show “Sports Science” uncovered that the saucy skaters had developed abnormally strong core, thigh, and gluteus muscles from years in the sex-trade in a segment entitled “Whore-Able Skaters.”

Prostitutes in the Netherlands already qualify for unemployment benefits and a state pension. These reforms would also allow them to put up to 5,000 euros a month into a tax-free pension account like Dutch footballers. Their skills, stamina, and explosiveness on the ice and, reportedly, back in the rooms at the Olympic Village support their case.

The Dutch even considered using the prostitutes in the sliding events, but they knew they would be no match for the Americans. The US dominated luge, bobsled, and skeleton with 7 medals. These events have been gaining popularity in the US as more Americans demand sports that allow you to sit or lie down.

The Dutch Coach Jillert Anema, however, was more than satisfied with the team’s performance in just the speedskating events. He watched as the Netherlands swept the women’s 1500m race and had another threesome of medals.

He exclaimed in solidarity, “These whores are the pride of our country! Tonight, the Red Light District shines gold!”