March Madness: ESPN Used Actual Lunatic To Predict 1st Weekend Of Tournament

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published due to content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...

BRISTOL, Conn.—In an NCAA tournament that has seen an 11^th seed, three 12 seeds, and a 14^th seed advance, you would have to be crazy to have predicted it all correctly. That is why ESPN, the self-proclaimed “worldwide leader in sports,” enlisted the help of 87 year-old Osiris Caulfield, noted West Virginia lunatic, snake wrangler, and coot.

ESPN’s Executive Vice President for Programming Norby Williamson has already seen his network use rats in a maze that went an impressive 15-1 on the first day of the 2014 tournament but has his money on Caulfield.

“The rats were impressive. They called Harvard’s upset of Cincinnati. They even called North Dakota State’s shocking upset of 5^th seed Oklahoma,” Williamson noted. “However, nothing could have prepared us for Osiris predicting the whole 1^st weekend correctly. He uses a method he devised that involves some sort of a divining rod, his glass-eye, and loads of tobacco juice.”

It was slow going for the noticeably deranged Caulfield in the beginning. When ESPN producer Chet Stevens first put the bracket in front of him, he began to cackle maniacally and pick winners that had not even made the tournament.

“Well, the first sign of trouble was when he had Duke losing their first round game to the Confederacy,” Stevens said. “But after we told him he had to choose between the two teams playing, he threw an old prospector’s pan at my production assistant and picked 14^th seed Mercer to beat them… We all thought he was crazy until Mercer actually beat Duke 78-71.” Adding, “Then, he bit off a small piece of my left hand and we remembered he was, in fact, insane.”

Billionaire Warren Buffet has been impressed by Caulfield’s forecasts as well. Recently, Buffet partnered with Quicken Loans to give away $1 billion to anyone who can correctly predict the entire NCAA tournament. He confirmed in a conference call that since no one would win the competition this year, he would give the award to Caulfield if he remained perfect in his predictions.

Upon hearing the news, the irrational prognosticator demanded the prize be paid in whiskey and squirrel meat. He then paused thoughtfully, sighed, and offered Buffet himself $1 billion for a single night of passion. As of Monday, March 24, 2014, Caulfield’s and ESPN production assistant Grant Woodward’s whereabouts were unknown.