March Madness: ESPN Used Actual Lunatic To Predict 1st Weekend Of Tournament

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published due to content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...

BRISTOL, Conn.—In an NCAA tournament that has seen an 11^th seed, three 12 seeds, and a 14^th seed advance, you would have to be crazy to have predicted it all correctly. That is why ESPN, the self-proclaimed “worldwide leader in sports,” enlisted the help of 87 year-old Osiris Caulfield, noted West Virginia lunatic, snake wrangler, and coot.

ESPN’s Executive Vice President for Programming Norby Williamson has already seen his network use rats in a maze that went an impressive 15-1 on the first day of the 2014 tournament but has his money on Caulfield.

“The rats were impressive. They called Harvard’s upset of Cincinnati. They even called North Dakota State’s shocking upset of 5^th seed Oklahoma,” Williamson noted. “However, nothing could have prepared us for Osiris predicting the whole 1^st weekend correctly. He uses a method he devised that involves some sort of a divining rod, his glass-eye, and loads of tobacco juice.”

It was slow going for the noticeably deranged Caulfield in the beginning. When ESPN producer Chet Stevens first put the bracket in front of him, he began to cackle maniacally and pick winners that had not even made the tournament.

“Well, the first sign of trouble was when he had Duke losing their first round game to the Confederacy,” Stevens said. “But after we told him he had to choose between the two teams playing, he threw an old prospector’s pan at my production assistant and picked 14^th seed Mercer to beat them… We all thought he was crazy until Mercer actually beat Duke 78-71.” Adding, “Then, he bit off a small piece of my left hand and we remembered he was, in fact, insane.”

Billionaire Warren Buffet has been impressed by Caulfield’s forecasts as well. Recently, Buffet partnered with Quicken Loans to give away $1 billion to anyone who can correctly predict the entire NCAA tournament. He confirmed in a conference call that since no one would win the competition this year, he would give the award to Caulfield if he remained perfect in his predictions.

Upon hearing the news, the irrational prognosticator demanded the prize be paid in whiskey and squirrel meat. He then paused thoughtfully, sighed, and offered Buffet himself $1 billion for a single night of passion. As of Monday, March 24, 2014, Caulfield’s and ESPN production assistant Grant Woodward’s whereabouts were unknown.

 

Childhood Obesity Falls 40% in Decade, Adjusted for Inflation

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published due to content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...


ATLANTA—According To the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, obesity among children 2 to 5 declined by 40% in the last decade when adjusted for inflation. The data was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association this past week and shows a steep decline in childhood obesity rates from 13.9% to 8.4% after factoring in the steadily increasing CWI (Consumer Weight Index).

While many are viewing this as a significant step in the fight against childhood obesity, some are concerned with how the numbers were calculated. Dr. Hans Fleischer of the CDC defended the findings.

“We used standardized data collection and adjusted the numbers with societal trends,” said Dr. Fleischer. “We do the same thing with height. For instance, you wouldn’t call a 5’9” man tall in 2014. However, he would have been giant just a short two or three hundred years ago.”

Dr. David Ludwig of Harvard School of Public Health in Boston was cautiously optimistic stating, “Nevertheless, if real, the lower prevalence among young children would be an encouraging sign that national pediatric obesity prevention efforts – though still grossly inadequate – may be having some impact.”

While childhood numbers may be going down, 2/3 of Americans are still considered overweight. The CDC warns this is a double-edged sword when considering the dangers of both heart disease and having to consume more alcohol to find someone sexually attractive.

Still, epidemiologist Cynthia Ogden told Reuters Health, "The rapid increase in obesity we saw in the '80s and '90s has definitely slowed. There's some glimmer of hope in the new data in relation to the 2 to 5 year olds."

Dr. Fleischer of the CDC continued, “The raw data may be troubling, but it really starts to shape up after the inflationary adjustments. We also use a method borrowed from the Department of Labor. They don’t count someone who ‘gives up looking for work’ as unemployed. So, we don’t count a child who is no longer ‘looking to lose weight’ as obese.” Adding, “Peter Pancakes can go back to eating seconds at the dessert bar and my data looks better. So—win/win.”

 

Bill Nye And Creationist Ken Ham Debate True First Day Of Spring

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published due to content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...

 

LOUISVILLE, Ky.—Bill Nye “The Science Guy” squared off in another highly rated debate with creationist Ken Ham grappling over what should be considered the true first day of spring. Nye supported the commonly held March 20^th as the vernal equinox while Ham’s biblical interpretation contended spring actually began over 247 years ago.

Nye recently argued evolution’s case in a debate at Ham’s own Creation Museum in Kentucky. And while Ham advocated a literal interpretation of the story of Genesis, he also insisted the earth was only 6,000 years old. In this second debate, Nye stated the first day of spring is the point where the sun crosses the celestial equator as expected. However, he was noticeably shaken when Ham firmly maintained that spring began in the year 1767.

“The old testament is very clear on this matter. The glorious season of spring, earth’s rebirth, began almost a full decade before American independence,” Ham said to a supportive audience. Adding, “—Just after the extinction of the dinosaurs.”

Nye failed to regain the audience’s attention with several diagrams of the earth tilting on its axis. He explained that while spring begins at 12:57 pm EDT on March 20^th in the Northern Hemisphere, the Southern Hemisphere is just entering its fall. And that is when Ham pounced.

“I’m more interested in the ‘fall of man’ then when a ‘man thinks it’s fall,’” Ham rebutted to thunderous applause. He also argued that, at the time of the debate, there was no compelling evidence that the Southern Hemisphere even existed.

Nye admitted later that he found it difficult debating the creationist, “Whenever his argument falls apart, he just says ‘God works in mysterious ways’ or ‘Uh—it’s magic!’ How are you supposed to argue with that?”

Many in the scientific community have condemned Nye for giving Ham a platform for his beliefs. And it seems that the global media coverage helped Ham’s Creation Museum actually secure funding for his Noah’s Ark theme park featuring a 510 foot replica of the vessel and a “begetting booth” where brothers and sisters can “repopulate the earth.”

“It was a challenging time, one that on a human level required a miracle to overcome,” Ham said of the near collapse in funding of his “Ark Encounter.” “And God in His providence supplied our needs—in the shape of a bowtied nerd.”

 

 

 

Dutch Prostitutes Finish First At Olympics

*This is one of my satirical news articles for the website Newslo.com which was never published because of content, space, timing, or political intrigue. So, enjoy! And remember: THE BOLD PRINT = TRUE FACTS...

SOCHI, Russia— Dutch Prostitutes are demanding the same retirement benefits afforded professional footballers in the Netherlands and used the recent Olympic games to prove they are every bit the athletes. It was revealed this week that the Dutch juggernaut that dominated Olympic speedskating was comprised solely of these prostitutes.

The Netherlands won 23 of 36 medals in the speedskating events in Sochi. Andre Bolhuis is the President of the Dutch Olympic Committee. He confirmed Monday in a conference call that this was accomplished by exclusively using prostitutes and supported their cause.

“Holland hookers proved they are world class athletes and deserve the same retirement considerations our footballers get,” said Bolhuis. “At first, we thought we couldn’t afford to bring them to Sochi, but their patriotism allowed for some discounted overnight rates.”

Wil Post is an attorney and advocate for the retirement reforms. He added, “Footballers and prostitutes both do a difficult physical job that they cannot do their whole life. Therefore, they would like to be able to save as much as they can.”

ESPN got to the bottom of why these racy racers make such excellent speedskaters. Their show “Sports Science” uncovered that the saucy skaters had developed abnormally strong core, thigh, and gluteus muscles from years in the sex-trade in a segment entitled “Whore-Able Skaters.”

Prostitutes in the Netherlands already qualify for unemployment benefits and a state pension. These reforms would also allow them to put up to 5,000 euros a month into a tax-free pension account like Dutch footballers. Their skills, stamina, and explosiveness on the ice and, reportedly, back in the rooms at the Olympic Village support their case.

The Dutch even considered using the prostitutes in the sliding events, but they knew they would be no match for the Americans. The US dominated luge, bobsled, and skeleton with 7 medals. These events have been gaining popularity in the US as more Americans demand sports that allow you to sit or lie down.

The Dutch Coach Jillert Anema, however, was more than satisfied with the team’s performance in just the speedskating events. He watched as the Netherlands swept the women’s 1500m race and had another threesome of medals.

He exclaimed in solidarity, “These whores are the pride of our country! Tonight, the Red Light District shines gold!”